Last week I had a mild heart attack, followed by days of deep depression fueled by thoughts on the order of "My life has been a waste, and now I'm in the final chapter." So yesterday I was reading a bit on Scott Kiloby's site, and today I was reading his book, Love's Quiet Revolution. Once again I re-realized that a storm had been created by believing those thoughts and reacting to them, then reacting to the reaction, etc. And I had created a Self around that, forgetting that that entire dog-and-pony show just appears in This. It is experienced is all. It has no substance. Lots of Sturm und Drang and then, at some point, it is realized for what it is: a storm in consciousness, and it heads over the horizon and is gone.
When vigilance fails I pump things up and keep them around because I might "learn something from them." They might "deepen my spirituality." What nonsense! The Great Spiritual Journey is just another idea appearing and disappearing in This. It is insubstantial, just another thought like all the rest. There is only the experience of This Moment. That's it. Even the thought of scolding myself for not being more vigilant is just a thought appearing in This. That's it. All That Is.
Patrick, so sorry to hear this and hope you're ok! I get the "Sturm and Drang" thing and am very expert at it myself despite my (past) career as a psychotherapist! But know from the point of view of this old friend that your life has certainly not been any kind of waste...I always think of you as one of the best people I knew from Bloomington (or anywhere for that matter) and a hell of a music player as well! and I know that everyone who knows you really values you. So glad we can still have some connection even though it may only be through FB (who knows, I may get myself back out to BTown one of these fine days). Anyway just wanted to touch base...so be well and do whatever you can to stay healthy..your old friend in THIS, Josh
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